Promotion dilemma when a boss makes it personal

My boss is also one of my best friends but when the opportunity for a promotion came up she supported someone else and I didn't get the job.

I have always felt that my boss didn't really want me to do well; she seems competitive with me and in some ways she is very unhappy. She is single and without children whereas I am happily married.

But my career is important to me and now I feel she is standing in my way. Aside from the personal hurt, how can I get past a boss who I feel is obstructive to my progress?Simon Broomer, managing director at Career Balance, a career advisory service, says:

It's time to have a frank conversation with your boss on a personal level and let her know how she is behaving and the effect this is having on you. I would do this away from the office. It's not easy, but necessary. She might not be aware she is allowing her own issues, and apparent envy of you, to cloud her professional judgments.

At CareerBalance we see clients who have over a period of years made their careers much more important than their personal and home lives, and later regret that they do not have the relationships, partners and families they would have wanted. Unconsciously, your boss might be finding a way to get back at you for having all that.

She might change as a result of this conversation, and you should know in two to three months whether this translates into a permanent and positive shift in her behaviour and attitude towards you in the office. However, there is a danger that her own issues will remain unresolved. It will then be time for you to move out of her zone of influence at work.

It may be better for your career if you can break free from your boss as the personal and professional relationship you have could have become too closely mixed together.

If you cannot engineer a move to another team and a new manager within your organisation, then you should strongly consider leaving and pursuing your career aspirations elsewhere, where you can be free of these unnecessary obstructions. Tony Roy, president of CareerBuilder EMEA, an online recruitment company, says:

Regardless of your personal ties, if you consistently have a situation where a boss is not helping you with your career path and growth then you need to talk to them directly about it.

Start a conversation with your boss. Keep it focused on the business rather than on the personal relationship and come up with some positive ideas for moving forward - specific projects, for example.

You will also need to come up with particular examples of where and how you felt you were not supported as there is a good chance that your boss is not sure how you are feeling.

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Do not mention the personal in any way, even if you feel that it is the main problem. The feedback will be the same whether or not you raise those issues.

At the same time look for other opportunities both outside and inside the organisation. You don't want to burn any bridges in your career but you also want to move forward.

If there is a pattern of behaviour, there might be some sort of discrimination involved, in which case you might want to go higher. But this conversation needs to start with your boss.Email your recruitment questions to: recruitment@ft.com

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