TV debate that was the 'we agree with Nicola' show

No one actually said it, but Thursday's party leaders debate was the We Agree With Nicola show. Or to put it another way: "Agree with Nicola - or else". There were at least four different winners, depending which poll you believe. That's as barmy as the format.

Only one of the seven contestants succeeded in both shoring up the base and impressing themselves on the rest of the country.

When chatting, the great Glaswegian sports writer Hugh McIlvanney expresses awestruck admiration with the phrase "some item" as in "He's some item, that Mike Tyson." Well, the wee lassie: she's some item too.

If Ed Miliband is nervy about negotiating with the Scottish Nationalists in a hung parliament, he had better hope the big softie Alex Salmond walks into the room, not his successor as leader. A quick one-two and a left to the jaw, poor old Ed will be left stone cold.

The great skill of the Sturgeon performance came in the way she married the sectional interest with the hint of statesmanlike stature. Her Welsh counterpart, Leanne Wood, sounded as though she was competing to be mayor of Rhondda. Ms Sturgeon made clear she was a real player. On this form, the SNP ought to consider running candidates in Kensington and Tunbridge Wells.

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Stuck on the far right of the picture, he seemed semi-detached. He might have nipped out for a smoke and no one would have noticed. When he spoke, he offered no sunlit uplands, no better tomorrow.

The impression was that it was not just his opponents who were useless, but the rest of us too, as though we were all teenagers thinking of running off and renting a flat: "Of course you can manage without me if you want. See if I care. But don't expect me to top your bank account."

Mr Miliband, staring at us with the same crazy eyes as Nigel Farage, at least suggested the possibility of hope. But he did it through hackneyed policy points, not with vision.

Nick Clegg sounded human, which is his strength, but had too little worth saying except offering another instalment of his apologia. He kept addressing his partner in government by his full name, as though they hardly knew each other. It is the formula used by schoolteachers when they want to get a child's attention: "David Cameron! Stop picking your nose!"

<>Mr Farage sounded human too. But over two hours the sense of a nasty party kept breaking through the nice-blokeishness. Natalie Bennett sounded nice, as the Green Party does, and she did not make a fool of herself. For them all, with the wee exception, that felt like the main objective. How pathetic it is that Britain has a choice between so many leaders so terrified to extemporise.

The question on health was asked by one Terry Kelly, a Liverpudlian just retired after 30 years in the health service. The prime minister was quick to fawn and thank him for his service. Later, when challenged on cuts, Mr Cameron returned to his line that he was cutting "bureaucrats" in order to employ more doctors and nurses.

He uses "bureaucrat" to describe a manager he wants to get rid of. Mr Kelly's job, according to the Liverpool Echo, was as a health service manager. Thank you for your service, Terry, now get lost.

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