May 7: Groundhog Day

Just in case any of you were planning to miss the election campaign, FT Weekend Magazine offers this guide to what happened over the next five weeks.

Week one: David Cameron kicks off the official campaign, not to be confused with the unofficial campaign, which could be illegally downloaded from a political filesharing website. Journalists distinguish this launch from previous ones by reporting that Cameron has "fired the starting gun" on the closest election since the last one. It is so tight that all highly paid pundits insist it is too close to call, even though they are paid highly to call it. Cameron urges voters to stick with his "long-term economic plan". Ed Miliband says "Britain can do better". The first election debate sees a clear win for Nicola Sturgeon, who does so well that her Scottish National Party is predicted to win 67 of the 59 seats being fought in Scotland. Lynton Crosby, the Tory campaign supremo, tells MPs that voters won't really start to engage until after Easter.

Week two: the Tories leak details of how Cameron vetoed a campaign poster depicting Miliband as Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Pictures of the vetoed poster are, naturally, also leaked, ensuring that it is widely seen but that people understand what a decent chap the PM is. Uproar follows when a Tory MP is captured telling constituency activists that "the poor are going to get it" after the election. Labour rushes out a poster with the quote, saying it reveals Cameron's secret plans to hammer hard-working families. Boris Johnson is caught on camera telling friends he'll be Tory leader by Christmas. Hopes for more TV debates are scotched when Jeremy Paxman refuses to appear in a head-to-head with other interviewers. Ukip is rocked when Nigel Farage is suspended as party leader after hitting one of his aides when the kitchen at his hotel closes early and he cannot get a haunch of venison for supper.

Week three: the manifesto launches. The Tory manifesto comes on vellum, promises a long-term economic plan and notes that David Cameron is better than Ed Miliband. Labour's is published on five coffee mugs available from the party shop, thereby ensuring that at least part of it is available in every kitchen. After the row over the tuition-fees pledge, Nick Clegg decides to ditch the manifesto launch altogether. Ukip reinstates its leader, saying party policy allows men of destiny to thrash underlings. Boris Johnson is caught on camera telling friends he will be leader by the autumn. Lynton Crosby reassures nervous Tories that Cameron will start to pull ahead in mid-April, once voters start to engage with the campaign.

Week four: the Tories focus on Labour's "tax bombshell", highlighting a black hole in the opposition's budget plans. Labour counters with the Tory "cuts bombshell". The Institute for Fiscal Studies says neither's sums add up. A new poll in Scotland shows that the SNP is now predicted to win 76 of the 59 Scottish seats. Nervous Tories break ranks, saying that the campaign lacks a positive message and that Cameron needs to talk about more than his long-term economic plan. Lynton Crosby reassures them that voters won't really start to engage with the campaign until the final week. Boris Johnson is overheard telling friends he could be leader by June.

Week five: with no signs of upward movement in the polls, Cameron is panicked into giving an "upbeat" vision speech in which he sets out a "positive long-term economic plan" for Britain. A rogue poll puts Labour seven points ahead, generating a day of lift-off stories until a second rogue poll puts it seven points behind, generating a day of secret-plans-to-dump-Miliband stories. Pressed to steal more ground from Ukip, Cameron stresses that his is the only party offering voters a choice on membership of the EU, but adds that he would rather people chose not to make that choice. Lynton Crosby tells Tories that voters were never likely to engage much before polling day.

Polling day: the last polls put the parties in roughly the same place they were at the start. Highly paid pundits say it is too close to call.

[email protected]; Twitter: @robertshrimsley

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